So Near by Liza Gyllenhaal

Author:Liza Gyllenhaal [Gyllenhaal, Liza]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin Publishing Group
Published: 2011-08-10T04:00:00+00:00

I drove south. I didn’t know why at first. I drove south into Covington and then east along Route 206, which winds up through the mountains. A moon rose above the trees. It was the harvest moon, nearly full, the orangey red of a bonfire. When I was a teenager and first got my driver’s license, I used to steal out of the house at night and take my dad’s secondhand Camry on joyrides through these same mountains. Sometimes Cal would come with me, and we’d park along the side of one of the back roads and make out right up to the point of no return. But never beyond it. What a pure pleasure it was kissing him then! How special and powerful I would feel when he’d reluctantly pull away and tell me:

“That’s it. Or we’ll be sorry.” Though, honestly, I think Cal cared a lot more than I did about saving the ultimate step for our wedding night. If he’d pushed me at all, I know I would have given in. But he had such a definite sense of right and wrong. A vision for our future life together. Does he still? I wonder. Betsy’s death has managed to blur so many once-clear moral lines. I’m not the only one hiding things. For instance, I know Cal’s drinking more than he lets on. He’s taken to stashing six-packs in the extra refrigerator in the garage and drinking out there at night after I go up to bed. He crushes the empties and puts them right into the recycle bin, thinking I won’t notice.

I’m partially responsible for that, too, I guess. I know he feels frustrated. Well, probably far more than that by now. But having sex with him at this point would feel so utterly dishonest. I’d only be faking it—the way I’m faking so much else. Every social interaction these days feels like such a burden. I can hardly face going down to the Covington Public Market and making small talk with the cashier. How could I possibly expose myself to the most intimate of acts? And with Cal—from whom I’m already trying to conceal so much? I flinch when he touches me. If he knew the truth—would he ever really want me again?

It wasn’t until I was on the outskirts of Northridge that I fully realized why I was heading in that direction. Whom it was I wanted to see. I don’t know where Daniel lives, but Cal told me that he hangs out at Ernie’s. It was early evening still; it wouldn’t look too odd for me to drop by. I could pretend I was in town and thought Cal said he might be there. I parked in the public lot and put on some lipstick. The weak little light on the back of the visor hollowed out my cheeks; my eyes and mouth looked roughed in like in a child’s drawing.

I’ve been avoiding crowds for months. So when I walked into Ernie’s, the

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